September 2, 2009

• Morose Ramblings

   

  I'm missing Robbie today.

  It didn't see it coming. Slam.

  It's been a month since his funeral and I'm finally questioning the sense of it all. He was soooo sick... yet looked soooo good right up to the day he took to bed for the last time. By good I mean healthy. Walking down the street I doubt passersby would have had the slightest clue that he was terminally ill. He ate, he drank, he even went sky diving a week before he died. Is this fair?

  Ok, I'm morose. (down in the dumps gloomy)

  I'm also a bit peeved. Not sure why, yet. Morose + peeved = one weird mood. For me, weirdness always becomes introspective. This death... this theft of life has left another gap in the foundation of life. When I was younger, I thought of life as a commodity; you've only so much to use and when it's gone... well, so are you. This commodity, this foundation of mine has been steadily eroding. Each disappointment, each loss has hacked a chunk from this base. It's beginning to look a lot like "March Ice".... It looks strong and sturdy. But inside it's all rotted and pitted, waiting for the inevitable collapse on some preordained and secret Spring day.

  I'm missing Robbie today.

  He would have preferred for me to call him Rob. But.. I'm here and he's not and I'm seeing the boy not the man today. I see him in Moe. The mischief and confidence. The tilt of his head when he's joking. His wide eyed daredevil headlong race to try it all. His love of the outdoors. His gentle and loving spirit. His unconditional acceptance of those dear to him.

  I'm missing Robbie today.

  I'm not the only one.

   

   

  • 9:52 AM
  • 2 Comments