November 4, 2009

• I'm missing Rob today....
  
  I know, it has become a mantra of sorts; this unspoken longing to see, to know, to somehow believe that the last three months has been some kind of morbid joke and Rob will walk through the door for Thanksgiving, or Christmas or whatever.
  
  So why am I here, at this point of sadness again?
  
  I trimmed out the crabapple tree that stands in the lawn terrace at the front of my home. Normal fall activity. I want it to have a nice shape and not grow too tall too fast. The secret is to never, NEVER, put the pruning shears in DH's hands. My purpose is aesthetic, his is purely altruistic. I remember the year he 'helped' trim the Hemlock... I cried for days. Anyways... I pulled out the ladder (it's a dwarf tree but I'm short. What can I say), I sharpened my tools, rolled the wheel barrow out front and began my 'trim the tree' ballet. Snip snap; circle the tree; up the ladder, down the ladder, move the ladder... snip snap.. back up and scan. Repeat, repeat, repeat. The dance also included the occasional traipse to the second floor window the check the shaping from above. Finally, I have what I think is the best shape and size for the tree all factors considered. Time for the last twirl around the tree. That's when it slips into my mind. I miss Robbie.
  
  This tree looks like Robbie. No, not literally. That would be ridiculous. But it does remind me of life with Rob. You see, the second year after planting this tree the snowfall was unusually deeper than normal. And even though the lawn terrace is quite wide, the snow piled up and around the tree until only the tips of its uppermost branches were visible. There it remained until the spring thaw revealed what had been happening beneath that dense white blanket. A branch was irreparably broken and the trunk was split. We bolted and wrapped the split which has since healed; the scars will always be visible but the tree continues to grow straight and strong. But the damage to the branch was... terminal. So I trimmed it out. Now there is a hole, a gap in the symmetry that can't be completely hidden or ignored. Still it's only discernible from one side. Passersby could easily miss the empty spot. I've done my best to disguise it. Someday the side branches will grow and fill in the gap. Yet, it's there, and will always be there to the trained eye.
  
  Life is like that. We've lost our Robbie. The great tearing and splitting that happened when he left us will heal with scars. But that hole, that space in our lives will always be there. After time other things will happen to fill in that spot. But the missing will always be there; that gap where Rob should be; laughing and twirling his nephew and niece through the air.... noisy toys at Christmas... another rambunctious adventure.
  
  In the spring our crabapple will bloom again. Rob's space will be framed by a mass of pinky-red color that brings joy to the eye. I see Rob in that subtle space reminding me of the uncertainty of life... and the beauty of a life well lived.
  
  I'm missing Rob today.

  • 11:54 AM
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