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Wednesday, 04 November 2009

  • I'm missing Rob today....

    I know, it has become a mantra of sorts; this unspoken longing to see, to know, to somehow believe that the last three months has been some kind of morbid joke and Rob will walk through the door for Thanksgiving, or Christmas or whatever.

    So why am I here, at this point of sadness again?

    I trimmed out the crabapple tree that stands in the lawn terrace at the front of my home. Normal fall activity. I want it to have a nice shape and not grow too tall too fast. The secret is to never, NEVER, put the pruning shears in DH's hands. My purpose is aesthetic, his is purely altruistic. I remember the year he 'helped' trim the Hemlock... I cried for days. Anyways... I pulled out the ladder (it's a dwarf tree but I'm short. What can I say), I sharpened my tools, rolled the wheel barrow out front and began my 'trim the tree' ballet. Snip snap; circle the tree; up the ladder, down the ladder, move the ladder... snip snap.. back up and scan. Repeat, repeat, repeat. The dance also included the occasional traipse to the second floor window the check the shaping from above. Finally, I have what I think is the best shape and size for the tree all factors considered. Time for the last twirl around the tree. That's when it slips into my mind. I miss Robbie.

    This tree looks like Robbie. No, not literally. That would be ridiculous. But it does remind me of life with Rob. You see, the second year after planting this tree the snowfall was unusually deeper than normal. And even though the lawn terrace is quite wide, the snow piled up and around the tree until only the tips of its uppermost branches were visible. There it remained until the spring thaw revealed what had been happening beneath that dense white blanket. A branch was irreparably broken and the trunk was split. We bolted and wrapped the split which has since healed; the scars will always be visible but the tree continues to grow straight and strong. But the damage to the branch was... terminal. So I trimmed it out. Now there is a hole, a gap in the symmetry that can't be completely hidden or ignored. Still it's only discernible from one side. Passersby could easily miss the empty spot. I've done my best to disguise it. Someday the side branches will grow and fill in the gap. Yet, it's there, and will always be there to the trained eye.

    Life is like that. We've lost our Robbie. The great tearing and splitting that happened when he left us will heal with scars. But that hole, that space in our lives will always be there. After time other things will happen to fill in that spot. But the missing will always be there; that gap where Rob should be; laughing and twirling his nephew and niece through the air.... noisy toys at Christmas... another rambunctious adventure.

    In the spring our crabapple will bloom again.
    Rob's space will be framed by a mass of pinky-red color that brings joy to the eye. I see Rob in that subtle space reminding me of the uncertainty of life... and the beauty of a life well lived.

    I'm missing Rob today.





Thursday, 01 October 2009

Thursday, 03 September 2009

Wednesday, 02 September 2009

  • Morose Ramblings

     

    I'm missing Robbie today.

    It didn't see it coming. Slam.

    It's been a month since his funeral and I'm finally questioning the sense of it all. He was soooo sick... yet looked soooo good right up to the day he took to bed for the last time. By good I mean healthy. Walking down the street I doubt passersby would have had the slightest clue that he was terminally ill. He ate, he drank, he even went sky diving a week before he died. Is this fair?

    Ok, I'm morose. (down in the dumps gloomy)

    I'm also a bit peeved. Not sure why, yet. Morose + peeved = one weird mood. For me, weirdness always becomes introspective. This death... this theft of life has left another gap in the foundation of life. When I was younger, I thought of life as a commodity; you've only so much to use and when it's gone... well, so are you. This commodity, this foundation of mine has been steadily eroding. Each disappointment, each loss has hacked a chunk from this base. It's beginning to look a lot like "March Ice".... It looks strong and sturdy. But inside it's all rotted and pitted, waiting for the inevitable collapse on some preordained and secret Spring day.

    I'm missing Robbie today.

    He would have preferred for me to call him Rob. But.. I'm here and he's not and I'm seeing the boy not the man today. I see him in Moe. The mischief and confidence. The tilt of his head when he's joking. His wide eyed daredevil headlong race to try it all. His love of the outdoors. His gentle and loving spirit. His unconditional acceptance of those dear to him.

    I'm missing Robbie today.

    I'm not the only one.

     

     

Thursday, 27 August 2009

  • Sold To The Highest Bidder

     

    more money2

    The boss sold my husband.  It’s exactly as it sounds. Now, before anyone gets offended... DH is not obligated to approve of or accept the new situation. But, does he really have a choice???

     

    This is not a booming economy in case you haven’t noticed. There are way too many people vying for the few jobs available. Granted my husband possesses a unique set of job skills that would make him difficult to replace; difficult... not impossible. So why sell the man? Simply stated; money.

     

    The owners have never had a reason to fault DH’s work. He’s an artist, for goodness sake AND a math whiz… one of those self taught, rare, left and right brain thinkers. He’s managed to keep his department solvent and profitable in an industry that has seen much of its clientele shift to offshore providers. The business owners are tied to New York City textiles. They see life through a radically different prospective than a rural upstate manufacturing stand point. The truth is they have never been comfortable with the coloring facet of their business. They inherited the management of this company when their upstate partner decided to retire. At this point they were forced to move from silent capital providing partners to active management of the company. They found that they very much preferred giving the orders, siphoning off the profit and letting some other little guy have the headache of making it all happen.

     

    horse teethSo for the past month DH has been unknowingly auditioning for his own job. ‘New boss’ has kicked the tires, checked the teeth, made him spin in the town square, so to speak while they weighed the pro’s and con’s of acquiring him along with the entire company division. Meanwhile, ‘Old boss’ has been shifting as much capital as possible back into the industry side of the company by filling as many orders as feasible before the sale leaving DH caught between the tests and trials of the ‘New boss’ and the production demands of ‘Old boss’.

     

    ‘New boss’ came back with a decision. They would gladly take the dye division off ‘Old bosses’ hands on one condition only. DH had to be part of the deal. That’s when the haggling began.

     

    Old boss: He’s a valuable asset to the company. We could move him to Plant Manager in the Knitting division. (Translation… give us more money).

     

    New boss: We’ll give you more money.

     

    Old Boss: He’s a natural to run the Finishing and Frames. (Translation… give us more money).

     

    New boss: We’ll give you more money.

     

    more moneyOld boss: It’s going to take quite some time to train someone else to fill those positions. After all DH already holds a Management role. He knows the strengths and weaknesses of our current employees. They respect him. We really can’t see our way to letting him go at the moment. (Translation… give us more money).

     

    New boss: We’ll give you more money.

     

    Old boss: SOLD!!!!!

     

    There are some advantages to being sold.

    ·        He still has a job. DH is at an age where finding a new job becomes increasingly difficult.

    ·        No interruption in his health care coverage. It means a new provider but we’ve been through that nearly every year for the last ten years.

    ·        He’s actually going to be working in the same facility. ‘New boss’ is moving his entire operation into DH’s current location. ‘Old boss’ is renting the building to ‘New boss’. (More money… see a pattern here)

     

     

                  There are some disadvantages too.

     

                                                        No more money  for DH.

     

     

                          no more money

     

                               No surprise there.

     

     

     

     

tkperito

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    • Name: Kathryn
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 8/8/2006

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